One week ago today, I was told that my position at the school was not secure. Gargantuan budget cuts are predicted and everyone hired in 2008 by the Department of Education is getting sacked. I do not yet have the pink slip in my hand, but as of June 15 I may, and it does not look good.
I have been thinking about this every second. When I hit snooze, in the shower, on my commute, while wrangling 22 children all day, sitting in my classroom surrounded by paperwork, when I come home and spend the next four hours online, and finally staring at the ceiling at night while the alarm clock stares at me.
On so many levels, this is an atrocity. I have ten years of experience, I spend weekends working, ten and twelve hour days, emails, phone calls with worried parents, projects, committees. I scrub out the sink in my classroom, gently comfort a child with a sore throat, toss bandaids at 5 papercuts a day, spend weeks in the summer working on professional development, plan with colleagues, stack report cards in my purse to work on later at barbeques or superbowl parties, think about better ways to differentiate fucking math games, celebrate small moments, cheer on the little guy, literally. Every day.
Two years ago, I moved my books and baskets and puzzles and files into this classroom. It's always an adjustment, but PS321 is a rigorous school with high expectations for students and even higher expectations for teachers. It is known that you will work until 7:00 almost every night during your first year, a fact. I learned the ropes, politely smiling and nodding and working my ass off, then realizing what I know already and making a name for myself. Now, the thought of packing up my rubber tubs, renting a u-haul and moving to another space in order to start all over again makes me want to throw up all over Michael Bloomberg.
So do I toss in the sponge and admit defeat? Can I finally have a job that doesn't involve saying the phrase "you need to use a tissue instead of your finger" or "criss-cross applesauce"?? Can I stay up past 10:30 without guilt and be cheerful during the month of September, once again? Can I go on vacation in January, just for the hell of it, and actually check email between 8:30 and 3:00? What happens if I find out that drinking coffee at my desk and talking to grown-ups and refraining from singing instructions to people is boring and unfulfilling? I may find out June 15.
it's not defeat because the governemnt "can't afford" to retain teachers. this is from no fault of your own. i have no doubts you'll be successful in whatever it is coming your way.
ReplyDeletean incredibly talented teacher would be lost on june 15th...to ps321. you wouldn't be lost to all the students you have already touched in chicago and ny or the colleagues you have engaged with. i am a strong believer in "things happen for a reason," however cliche it may be, but it's just what sometimes gets me to not hit snooze and get in the shower. whatever path you take, i know my big sister will do it with big footsteps after leaving even bigger shoes to fill. it's awful that a lot of this is out of your hands, and i'm sorry the decisions are being made for you. but i think you will ultimately know the right decision to make in the end, pink slip or not. anyone is lucky to have you working by his or her side in a classroom, a park, a stop and shop, a cubicle. your my sister kimberly megan, not kim the teacher, and forever will be. miss and love you.
ReplyDeleteKim. This makes me cry, then curse up a storm, then cry some more. Because you're you, you'd find a way to not be a teacher and still be fulfilled and happy. But also because you're you, it would be a terrible damn shame to not have you smiling at 25 young faces come September.
ReplyDeleteMaybe this is cheesy and idealistic, but I have contacted my state rep about the school budget issue in IL, and I hope everyone in NY is doing the same. I just don't know what else to do.