pregs

apartment complex

It was a strange night in early February when I found out I was pregnant. I didn't think I was, I didn't feel pregnant...I felt pissed, like PMS pissed times ten. I thought I could go home and pound a few glasses of wine alone until Dave got home from work, at least to feel relaxed and ok with not being pregnant. But when I got home, I didn't feel like drinking, I felt like lying around.  Then...oh, maybe I'll just take this pregnancy test, which won't work anyway...and it'll just say negative or a line or not pregnant or whatever. So I did it. And within a few seconds....there was a faint plus sign. Ha!...faulty! Dave bring home two more boxes of pregnancy tests, digital and not digital. So he did. And I was.  Maybe.

The next morning we went to the doctor for a blood test and when they called me at 2:00 to tell me the results, "Kim, you ARE pregnant!" I was like, ok, thanks.  I had fallen so far into a pit of denial, I would not allow myself this joy. Pregnant? Pfffffft.

It wasn't until the day we had our first sonogram, a week later, when I saw the black dots (two!) that I realized I could celebrate. Not only celebrate what will undoubtedly be one of the most life-altering shifts and wonderful additions to our family, but also celebrate the fact that my body can do such amazing things.

But wait....after a hematoma and abruptly early bedrest, I have to wonder. Is my body doing amazing things and can I still celebrate this change? The heartburn boils through me at night and I can't sleep, I'm confined to my apartment in between doctor appointments, I have essentially abandoned my position as a kindergarten teacher and I was never able to say goodbye to the kids. I pee a hundred times a day, my pants stopped fitting around the time when normal people say things like "I'm not even showing yet!", my boobs will go down in the record books.  My daily companions are my cats and my body pillow, a few dozen books, my trusty ipad and a cooler filled with food to eat throughout the day so I don't need to get up.

I know that the heartburn will go away, bedrest will be a thing of the past sometime soon and I will eventually be a kindergarten teacher again. My belly is huge, the girls are rolling around more and more each day and soon I will meet them in person.  I'll get past the blood tests and strict orders, the hours spent in waiting,  the worry about health insurance and what car seats to get and we'll be able to hold those little babies.  It will be worth it, this I know.

i peed on these