our lovely bathroom

It was late one night and I was awake rearranging furniture for the 85th time. Hot, sticky and covered in cat hair and dust, I needed to take a shower. But wait, let's reminisce...

I am a homeowner. I renovated the bathroom in my house in Chicago. It's cute, clean, white and baby blue. It was not cheap. Now, I am also a renter. Our bathroom in New York is not cute, not clean, not white, and the only thing that's baby blue is the 3x3 bathmat from Ikea.

So there are problems with the bathroom. During our first week back in New York, the downstairs neighbor knocked on the door while Dave was taking a shower and told me that there was water leaking into her bathroom. She called the landlord and about 20 minutes later, the landlord and her husband showed up wearing terry cloth visors and carrying giant cups of bubble tea asking about the leak. With a brief "we'll take care of it ASAP" they were out the door. "Oh - and don't forget to cover that part of the tile wall with a garbage bag," they said.

The following week, nothing fixed, we noticed a large blob forming in the ceiling. Slowly it began to drip into our shower, the dampness spreading across the bathroom ceiling like sweat. Bubbles appeared in the plaster around the shower head, rust stains formed above us. We call the landlords again. They call the plumbers again. Two Danny's and one Tommy later, nothing has been fixed. They walk in, look at the water seeping into the wall, tell us it isn't a plumbing problem and don't come back.

Cut to one month later, I'm in the shower, garbage bag taped to one side of the wall, heavy bubble above my head, a light dusting of mold on the wall. I look up to see a small blob coming out of the ceiling. Not rust, not plaster, not a water bubble. It's a bit like gnochhi, actually, plump and beige with little ridges. I start to think....god, what if this is a larvae? What if this is a weird bug sack - and if I pop it, millions of bugs rain down on me? I get out of the shower, dry off and push on it with the end of a hanger while standing on the toilet. It feels stiff. I'm exhausted and wearing a towel. It's probably nothing. So I go to sleep.

The next morning, I'm moving around more furniture and I hear Dave...Eeeww! What is that? Kim! You gotta see this. I come into the bathroom and it is BIGGER. It is coming out of the ceiling....out of the ceiling and it's bigger. Gross, gross, gross...what is it? Bug sack! Bug sack! Dave stands on the toilet, pushes on it gently - awaiting the deluge of baby spiders.

It snaps cleanly in half. Growing out of our bathroom ceiling is a mushroom.